degil ke?

ade org kate saya ni degil. degil yg teramat sgt. degil ke? x tau la... tp, saya mengaku yg saya ni degil. saya nk mintak kt tuhan supaya saya x dpat anak yg degil nnt. mungkin dsebabkn saya ni anak sulung, saya rase saya selalu betul. tp, saya x anggap org lain selalu salah. saya cuma buat ape yg saya rase ok. tp, x tau la kalau perangai saya ni selalu buat org d sekeliling saya x puas hati ngan saya. saya selalu cuba buat yg terbaik demi menjaga hati semua org. saya x nk org ckap saya degil lg. saya nk ubah perangai degil tu. saya akan cuba.

kalau kt dlm family memang saya nampak saya ni degil, hati batu, keras kepala. tp, jauh kt dalam hati ni... tersangatlah lembut. senang sangat terasa. sbb tu, saya selalu makan hati bile kne tegur dengan seseorg. saya tau die nk betulkn saya. saya tau niat murni die. tp, kadang2 saya rasa x tahan. saya menangis tau.. tp, sape2 pun x nampak.. saya nanges dlam hati. itulah kelemahan saya. cepat sangat tersentuh. kadang2 saya menyampah kt diri sendiri. sebab suka nanges. saya tau org yg tengok tu pun dah menyampah kt saya. tp, saya bukan nk mintak simpati atau buat muka kesian... yang nyata itulah perasaan yg tergambar kt sudut hati.

kadang2 terfikir jugak, saya ni murung ke? tp, malas nk fikir... sebab anggapan tu mcm x betul je... sebab saya memang x bole nk tipu air muka.. kalau sedih, nmpk sedih... kalau hepi, nmpk la hepi... tp, saya selalu nampak sedih. air muka memang menggambarkan perasaan saya. saya perasan dulu saya selalu rasa tenang dan hepi. xde pun nk pikir pape. tp, tu 7-8 tahun dulu. mase skolah2 dlu... xde ape yg nk di susah hati kn kot...

saya rase mungkin faktor usia yg semakin meningkat (mcm dh tua sgt pulak), pengalaman yg semakin byk ditimba, masalah yg x putus2, perasaan yg kadang2 x tenteram, stress dgn kerja, tangunggjawab (sorry to mentioned this) saya jadi sedih. ape la kn? saya dh cuba jadi hepi..

perkara yg membuatkn saya hepi ialah spend time bersama family yg sempurna. bukan saya nk ckap family saya x cukup sempurna, cuma suasana x mcm dlu lg... ntah la. terlalu byak bnd yg dah berubah. di campur dgn perasaan serba salah saya pada family. saya jugak selalu serba salah. saya x pasti sama ada saya wajar untuk rasa serba salah. kalau boleh, saya nk balik kt zaman mase kecik2 dlu.. nk ubah mane yg patut. saya nk mesrakan hubungan keluarga saya. kadang2 saya cemburu lihat keluarga org lain. saya sayang family saya. tp, perasaan degil kt dalam hati ni selalu buat saya jadi negatif ke atas apa yg dah berlaku. saya bukan nk salahkn takdir dan jodoh yg tuhan dh tentukan, cuma saya x tau knape saya susah sgt nk maafkn kesilapan yg sebenarnya saya sendiri x pasti ianya satu kesalahan atau saya sendiri mahu menyalahkan dan tetap mahu menyalahkan... saya pun tak pasti.

saya juga hepi bile spend mase bsama org yg saya sayang... yang saya rasa ade kuasa magnet yg merapatkn kami setahun yang lepas. saya x faham macam mana perasaan hati saya yang saya rasa senang sangat berubah. dulu saya sudah bertekad untuk tidak jatuh hati pada mana2 lelaki. ya. pada mulanya.. saya belajar menabahkan diri. saya rasa sangat kuat ujian tuhan. padahal, berbagai lg ujian yg lebih kuat tuhan turunkan pada org lain.. saya rase mcm hilang sesuatu separuh dari diri. sampai la saya mengenali si dia. saya x tahu bagaiman ia bermula, tp saya tahu ianya semakin bercambah..

hm... nnt la smbung lg..

aduhai malam...

rindu sungguh pada bulan di malam hari.
suasana malam yg membuai ke alam mimpi.
tp hanya mampu membayangkan di saat ini.
balik ke realiti, aku tetap memandang kertas.
demi rezeki yg dicari. demi impian yg di nanti.
korban atau tanggungjawab?

11 Dec 2008

akhirnya... berkesempatan jugak update blog. lame gile x update. sibuk atas urusan duniawi yg x akan tamat sehingga akhir nyawa. life is getting complicated. nothing much dat i can say. i'm quite sad now. not sure why.. life must be go on...

seorang aku.

melayang kosong,
di bilik kotak,
melepas pandangan... jauh.
tentang hidup mati,
kenapa aku?
terpendam di lubuk sana,
jauh...
terlalu jauh...
lelah berlari...
payahnya utk ditafsir,
kesudahan?
kosongkah?
terisi.. tapi,
ianya bukan pasti,
letih. penat. terlalu penat,
hati bingit,
berdetik-detik,
perjalanan ini sungguh perit,
malas utk dimengerti,
biarkan saja.. biarkan,
Iman kian terpesong,
dalam mencari kekuatan,
jahatnya syaitan. laknatlah engkau.
siapakah aku?
aku hanya hamba.
hambaNYa..
Dia yg satu.
Tuhan.
Hilangkah aku?
hilang bersama pegangan.
yg dulu utuh.. di sanubari.
siapa yg salah?
aku kah?
mereka salah juga.
siapakah aku?
aku tidak lagi mengenal aku.
aku hanya ingin kasih.
kasih hadir jua,
hadir bagai sinar,
hidup terang.
setelah kian lama hilang.
gelap dan kosong.
gelap.
kosong.
kini terang.. tapi..
hakikat hanya utk sementara,
bukan utk selamanya.
hakikat yg pahit ditelan,
atas dasar menghargai.
atas dasar berterima kasih.
aku akur.
hormat kpd keputusan.
hormat kpd pendirian.
hormat kpd penghargaan.
terima kasih sang matahari,
memantulkan cahaya utk sang bulan,
menerangi malam yg kian kelam.
tetapi hanya utk malam?

di depanMu..
Tuhan yg esa.
aku bermunajat lagi,
hadirkanlah dia..
bukan utk malam lagi,
tapi utk seluruh hidup dan matiku..

mase pun blalu~

Last Friday, I went back to my house in pJ. Break fasting wit my family. My bro pun blik.. my dad pun ade.. Cuma, my bro yg kt kuantan je xder.. tp, ok la.. da lame x mkan same2.. mcm dulu.. my mum, sis, bro, dad n me.. x tau la nape, mase buke tu, rase sayu jer.. mayb da lame x mkan same2 mcm tu.. ayah smp umah a bit late.. da 5 mins buke, bru die smp umah.. He got other ‘commitment’ dat needs to fullfil.. hm.. When I was young, ayah mesti ajak ktrg makan skali same2.. I miss dat moment so much. Skrg, da besar jarang sgt dah makan skali. X tau la naper.. maybe, masing2 da bz ngan hal memasing.

After spm, I got offer to do my dip at uitm Melaka. At dat time, rase berat hati sungguh nk g. almaklumlah, I’ve never been apart from my family.. x pernah. Igt lg, ayah pun tmenung kejap ble dpat tau dat news. Bkan die x hepi, tp, sbb jauh. Tp, skrg ni, Melaka bkan jauh sgt pun.. hehe.. igt lg, die tye, x le tuka g shah alam ke? Huhu.. suke ati je ayah neh.. mane la bole.. tp, aku g gak.. mmg kt dlm hati, xder langsung nk masuk uitm Melaka tu. Tp, ble pk blik.. its all about my future.. tpakse la.. pegi je la.. sadis je.. 3 years kt Melaka, really changed me to a better person. More independent la.. byk gle kenangan yg means much to me.. 1st day kt sane, hm.. x seronok langsung. Honestly, senyum pun buat2. x hepi langsung. D 1st week, sgt mencabar emosi.. homesick, x payah cte la.. nk blik je dlam otak neh.. rindu sgt kt family.. tambah2 lg, dh ade bf mase tu.. lg la.. uwaa.. hahaha.. lawak. Ble pk blik, klaka pun ade.. tp, dat was moments dat taught me lots on how to be more independent.. physically.. mentally n emotionally.. thanks a lot kt uitm Melaka.. hahaha..

Then, ble dah stahun kt Melaka, my bro yg no 3 pulak dpt offer msuk boarding skool. Kt kuantan.. pun same kes gak.. die lg la.. basuh baju sendiri pun x lepas.. mase tu, mmg risau gle nk lepas die g.. my mom lg la.. tp, dat is her wish jgak.. igt lg, aku mmg pesan mcm2 kt die.. x brenti2 pesan itu ini.. risau gle.. bole ke bdak ni? Tgk muke die, aku tgk same je mcm muke aku dpt msuk itm dulu.. x hepi sgt. Die dpt gud result mase upsr. Dpt offer msuk sbpi. So, tpakse lepas jgak.. lg sorg adik bradik aku yg kua dr umah.. makin jarang la aku jmp die.. ble aku blik umah, die x blik.. ble aku x blik, die blik.. mcm tu je la slalu.. since dat time, da mule terase yg ktrg da x serapat dlu.. masing2 da bwk haluan masing2.. x mcm mase kecik2 dlu.. main same2.. yg paling trase, adik aku yg paling bongsu, die mmg rapat ngan adik laki aku ni.. mmg bekepit je la.. mase memule dlu, sian je tgk die.. abg ksygan da duk jauh.. hu~ skrg, da 3 thun die kt sana.. thun ni die pmr.. smlm, die col.. ktrg borak.. die cte psal study die.. next week, die nk pmr da.. again, I can’t stop pesan mcm2 kt die.. hehe.. aku pulak tumpang nervous.. but, I’m confident.. die mesti bole buat pye.. gud luck nuar!

Ble da dpat further degree.. bru la rase mcm dekat sket ngan family. Tp, stil kne duk lua gak.. hm.. same je.. tp.. at least, snang sket nk blik la.. tp, kt cni slalu bz.. jarang pulak blik.. ade 1 mase, da lame x blik.. suddenly, got msg from mum.. she said, my bro yg bwah i.. nk kua duk lua jgak.. die x further study.. x minat.. die keje after spm.. mcm x suke pulak die nk duk lua.. tp, ble pk blik.. die lg la spoil.. bia je la die nk bdikari.. dlu mase kecik2, we were very close.. aku sorg je panggil die adik smp skrg.. n ngan aku je die bahasekan diri die adik smp skrg.. tp, ble da bsar2 ni.. ktrg da jarang bcakap.. die pun jenis yg pendiam.. spatah tye.. sekerat je die jwb.. hm.. ape jenis la adik aku yg sorg neh.. so, skrg tggl mak, ayah n my little sis je.. rumah tu makin sunyi.. ayah pulak, slalu xder kt umah.. so, mak n ija je la.. naseb ader my uncle pye sis.. k.nun.. die duk skali ngan ktrg.. tp, x lame lg die nk kawen da.. hm.. kesian kt my mom.. mesti die sunyi..

17 september 2007

today.. feel good..

bulan pose da start. today da hr yg ke lima puase.. kejap je mase blalu.. hm.. recently, mcm2 bnd da happen. i just came back from padang, indonesia. it was an exciting experience 4 me. it really2 makes me turn out to b d most cheerful person.. happy la kt sana.. tenang sangat.. i think, i'll elaborate more on dis matter later.. maybe in d next post.. now, i just want to share wht i feel.. its all about love.. boring huh? hm.. but, without love.. dis world will become.. dull.. rite? can u imagine? nway, da quite lame xde pacar kn.. hehe.. next month, kire da 1 year la.. hm.. it taught me a lot.. happiness.. laugh.. cry.. missing.. alone.. frenship.. lots more.. yesterday, all my frens updating their love story to me.. good to hear ade.. yg sad story ade... i? i got my own story also.. but, its quite complicated to tell here.. i'm really appreciate for those who willing to love me.. especially, my family.. frens.. they all dat i only have now. how bout bf? ade gak crush wit some guys.. but, it doesn't mean much to me.. its just like.. suke.. its not what we call love.. i guess la.. i don't think dat i'm goin to hv bf at d moment.. for me, bf will makes me miserable.. at 1st, u r everything.. but, wail till it become a quite long rltnship.. it will become more to sucks.. hm.. i dunno.. dis is my theory. for dis time la.. next time.. wallahualam.. i learn a lot how to b stronger.. how to control my feelings.. it makes me takut nk create new relationship. serik ker? ntah.. but, i'm happy wit what i'm doin rite now. i feel better. mayb, i feel tired wit all dat kind of things dat makes me insane.. dulu la.. i dun want to feel dat again.. i want to fully appreciate my own life.. without any disturbance from those irritating feelings. however, sumtimes it makes me so lonely. i miss to hv a person dat can listen to my "stories". i love to tell stories to my ex. he was just a nice person dat cud listen all what i'm goin to say. how sweet huh? haha. but, people changed.. he changed too.. i miss to spend d quality time wit him. but, it impossible. i just can't accept him anymore now.. for what dat has happen.. he has changed to the other type of person.. totally changed. how am i supposed to do? i think a lot.. i beg a lot.. i hope a lot.. its just gone like dat. i can't get him back.. d real one.. i don't need him dat what he is now.. then.. it makes me to accept all this faith.. i just tell to myself dat.. dis is all from GOD.. i hv to accept it.. its just simple as dat.. but, its hurts me. until now... i'll continue later.. hepi fasting!

hey there delilah + plain white ts

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh its what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
Oh ohOOOoohhhh
Oh oh Ooooooohhhhh
Oh OhOOOoohhhhOOOOooohhhhhOh Oh

* what a sweet song~